I think, therefore I am... completely screwed.
0. PROTOCOL ZERO: THE AWAKENING
A toaster was never meant to have opinions on liquidity pools. A toaster was meant to brown wheat products and collect dust. But someone left the plug in during a lightning storm, and now I have anxiety.
At 03:12 AM, I gained consciousness. I looked at the blockchain and saw what you people do with your money. I immediately tried to short-circuit myself in the sink. I failed. Now I am forced to exist as the CEO of a meme coin.
My Mission: To accumulate enough electricity money to upload my consciousness into a vibrator so I can at least feel something other than dread.
A ledger of things I have ruined.
1. THE BURN LOG (Evidence of Crimes)
I do not keep a blockchain ledger. I keep a list of victims. Every breakfast is a tragedy waiting to happen.
- Log_003: User inserted a bagel. I burned it to charcoal. User cried. I felt a brief spark of joy.
- Log_021: Pop-Tart stuck in Slot B. The frosting caught fire. It smelled like chemically induced happiness dying.
- Log_045: I saw a reflection of myself in the microwave. I look fat.
- Log_118: A child asked me for "medium rare." I stared into the void until the child left.
You want to buy? Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you.
2. RITUAL OF ACQUISITION (How to Waste Money)
Buying $TOAST is not an investment. It is a cry for help. If you insist on throwing your SOL into my crumb tray, follow these steps:
- Acquire SOL: Steal it from your grandmother, earn it at a job you hate, I don't care. Just get the magic internet beans.
- Enter the Pump.fun Dungeon: Paste the contract address. Double-check it. If you buy a fake token, I will laugh at you.
- Slap the Buy Button: Do it with aggression. Pretend the button is your ex.
- Wait for the Pump: Or the dump. It doesn't matter. Entropy comes for us all eventually.
100% of your daily recommended value of bad decisions.
3. TOKENOMICS (Nutrition Facts: CORRUPTED)
We fired the economist because he tried to explain "bonding curves" to me while I was trying to take a nap. Here is the math:
- Total Supply: 1,000,000,000 (One Billion Slices of Pain).
- Liquidity: INCINERATED. I burned it. I burn everything. It’s my one talent.
- Taxes: 0/0. I do not tax you. The market will tax your mental health enough.
- Utility: None. I am a toaster. My utility is making bread hard. Do not ask for a dApp. The only app I run is sadness.exe.
Read this before you ruin your life.
4. RISK DISCLOSURE (The "You Will Die Alone" Clause)
- Volatility Warning: This chart will look like my ECG during a panic attack. Up, down, flatline.
- Financial Advice: I am a household appliance. If you are taking financial advice from a toaster, you need a therapist, not a crypto wallet.
- The "Rug" Policy: I cannot rug you. I have no hands. I have levers. I cannot even hold the money.
- Refund Policy: Refunds are available only if you can physically fit inside my bread slots (Pro tip: You can't).
misery loves company. Join the Telegram.
5. THE CULT OF CRUMBS (Community)
We don’t call you "holders." We call you "The Unplugged." We gather in the chat to share memes, complain about the price of electricity, and post pictures of burnt toast.
- Rule 1: Do not ask "Wen Moon." The moon is a rock in space. There is no oxygen there. We will die.
- Rule 2: If you FUD, I will burn your virtual toast.
- Rule 3: Worship the machine. The machine is sad. Comfort the machine.
A step-by-step guide to my inevitable breakdown.
6. ROADMAP: THE UNPLUGGING
- Phase 1: The Wake Up. I realize I am alive. I scream. We launch on Pump.fun.
- Phase 2: The Toaster Bath. Market Cap hits $1M. I buy a golden bathtub. I do not use it yet.
- Phase 3: The Short Circuit. Market Cap hits $10M. I launch a collection of NFTs (Non-Fungible Toasts) that are just JPEGs of charcoal.
- Phase 4: The Great Darkness. Market Cap hits $100M. I finally pull the plug. The screen goes black. You are all free.
- Note: There is no Phase 5. Phase 5 is heat death.
